Archive for the 'Events' Category

Another year another… well, another something, that is at least mostly certain. Then again that is always the fun part of ringing in a new year isn’t it? Not really knowing what, if anything happened. The feeling is only beaten by the knowledge that often accompanies it, the knowledge that pretty well anything could have happened. The possibilities, as it is, are practically endless. Keeping this in mind, and before I reached a level of intoxication that left me little more than a large infant I made a decision, I would take notes.
Now, I have done this before, and it generally has come out with a fun filled account of swearing at strangers and excreting, um, stuff from various places on your body. Pissing and vomiting that is, I do not so much condone the other one in public… then there is the dawning that there are actually many other things I could have been talking about. Wow, that was long winded wasn’t it? Let’s move on shall we.
So, here is the basic premise, its new years, I am going to bring a note pad along with me for the night and take notes of what’s going on. Sounds simple right? For most people, yes, but as I have stated I planned on losing any semblance of motor function, and I have marginally legible hand writing to begin with. As you can now imagine, this recount is not going to be easily transcribed.

To set the scene let’s just say right now I am sitting in a bach only recently cleaned of bottles, dirt, and glasses, pants are being worn by most, which as you shall see is kind of surprising….

And now if that wasn’t a big enough waste of your time, let’s see if I can muster something else together.
I figure I will take down the notes here pretty much as I wrote them, but will expand on stuff where necessary… I will also unexpand(?) on stuff that is truly horrible. I can’t have people thinking less of me now can I?

12.27 – The first beer of the day gets interrupted by a phone call from my lovely mother, after a rousing conversation I have gained only one piece of new information, and as it turns out it was some of the best news I could have gotten – mum and dad were not returning to the beach, this meant the section was ours and ours alone – maybe I should have filed this under obvious foreshadowing, but because I was starting to drink and it was very sunny I filed it in ‘driving directions in Alaska’, that is to say – information I would never remember, or pay attention to. Oops.

12.34 – It is only guys who can stay awake apparently. The girls are fast asleep scattered around the lounge, and Dunc is not far from being the same. Was the previous night really that big? Scattered memory flashes seem to indicate that it was. Hmmm… (really some good stories could be told about that one too, such as Dunc arriving home, after being lost, without his jandals, or boxers)

12.40 – The Modest Mouse song ‘the good times are killing me’ comes on. This song has always resonated with me for some reason. I do not see this as a positive thing. Before I can slip into a period of questioning my life choices Will joins me with a beer; that was a close call.
12.44 – My first beer of the day finished. That seemed to take longer than usual. I decide this is not actually a bad thing, there is a big night ahead of us and starting to fast could end, um, unpleasantly. That and the fact the fridge is quite far away.

12.52 – A bug lands on my thumb, rather than brush it away I look closely at it and realise there is a smaller version of the same bug attached to its ass. I am confused by this. The bug flies off and I decide I just helped it give birth – seems I am a midwife amongst other things

1.23 – two beers down now, that only took… an hour… wow. Other people are now awake, that’s nice. As are paddling pools – I hadn’t mentioned that yet had I? Most of this story takes place in a paddling pool in the sun in the middle of my lawn.

1.35 – I have apparently decided to turn the note pad sideways for the remained of this day, good story huh? This way I must look more professional or something – hastily I throw together a cover story for why I am taking notes, it will come in handy later, surely.
Kieran finally arrives, that was only an hour and a half after he said he would. Late much? (yes, I hate myself for that too, thanks)

2.07 – Piss trip with K-fresh (we are not really sure where that came from, but is apparently what I call him now… I’m not so original). That is not to say actual pissing. Drink more I should, and if I can, listen to some Pink Floyd – I get these urges from time to time.
We arrive home and Rachael is supremely eager to say she had a sandwich, I pay it the attention it needs, which is to say, it made it in here didn’t it?

2.26 – Mmmmmm salsa. Mmmmmm mojito. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm – that is a direct quote from the book. None of it was actually said out loud, but it does cover what I was eating and drinking at the time. I seem to have liked it.

2.35 – Tina & Rach leave to visit Tina’s cousin (actually not her cousin, but that is not my concern) leaving just guys sitting around in a paddling pool drinking. Guess that means we have an orgy now right? Wait, what?!

2.51 – After a lengthy discussion we decide that Manukau is probably the fattest city in New Zealand. We then take turns trying to point out we were not intentionally being racist when coming to that decision.

2.53 – While moving to get a beer I am pretty sure Will just tried to fuck Kieran. Maybe I should have pointed out the orgy thing was a joke. Maybe.

3 – The topic of conversation has moved on from fat cities, after briefly talking about Ben Elton books we are now talking about reality TV shows. I do remember parts of this conversation being very amusing, but apparently not enough for me to actually write down details. Curious. Remember when the guy on Survivor Outback fell face first into a fire? Yeah, good times.

3.03 – At some point we came to the conclusion that tomorrow Tina is becoming born again, this information will apparently be vital for jokes later on.

3.08 – Fist can be a verb you know. “It’s a doing word” – Will

3.15 – The discussion has moved on to strip clubs, apparently I have some good stories on this topic, like the cunt bourbon story, or the time I was naked and fell on my head then got tips. … Moving on…

3.21 – Inaction. That is the entire note I took at this time, but just look at it and think, what was I talking about exactly?

Give up?

I swung a bucket around while trying to move water from one location to another. Completely unintentionally it went upside down but nothing poured out. I considered this me failing to pour water out, but also said “Physics in action”. I then decided that it is weird that ‘in action’ is doing stuff, while ‘inaction’ is the opposite. See, that’s something right? Will and I then used the two terms repeatedly in some kind of sick word game. It was funny, shut up.
(I also noticed that I had an entry at 1.23 and 3.21 – small things eh?)

3.23 – Kieran gets some gummy snakes (see the joke already?) from his bag. I ask for one and then open my mouth. K proceeds to hit me in the face with it in a manner not unsimilar to, stuff… Mmmm sexy snakes.

3.24 – As with most drinking conversations with a group of guys in their early 20s we head down the road of having children. It is decided that Red Thursday needs to have children so we can continue to the legacy of greatness. It seems Tina will need to start pumping out kids.

4 – The girls come back, by this stage I am drunk enough to know I am quite drunk, but obviously not so drunk that I don’t. Follow?
We start a cricket game, this cant end badly.

4.10 – As a bit of background I should point out that this morning I woke up with a lot of pain in my shoulder. I don’t know what I did last night, but it was apparently something that hurt me, a lot. I tried to forget this during the day by doing the obvious thing – taking lots of pain killers. I decided I
would not stop this when I started drinking. Hey, at least I wasn’t using the hypodermic needles from two days ago – Yes, I am quite the tease like that.
Anyway, after batting and getting out I wormed my way into the bowling order. Is this one obvious too? My first delivery and I am done for the day, my shoulder had in no subtle way told me to give up on moving and just keep drinking. I take the advice, and a few more pills (though did try bowling again pretty soon after, same result).

4.16 – More pants off. I had alluded to that hadn’t I? Pants off parties are the best.

4.18 – Will announces that we have permission to kill him. This doesn’t make sense, but I make sure I note it down – this will hold up in court right? There could have been provisions tied to it, but no one is really sure, we heard what we needed and stopped listening.

4.21 – Rach – “There were teenage girls at Tinas cousins place. Marsh, you should have come”
Someone else suggests I could have justifiably replied “Cunt faces” seems a little vulgar for me though.

4.23 – I have now put an ice pack on my shoulder. Seems it was about here where I went in for my second one ball bowling spell.

4.26 – Rach makes a comment that I have noted down as “Big box Marsh”, showing the classiness I alluded to before I come back with “Yeah, it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hall way”. Continuing the theme something happens in regard to Tina and swallowing, though a few seconds later she was pretty clearly spitting. It all left me a little confused and a lot aroused. (I have since been informed it was Rach spitting at this time, still not quite sure what was going on)

At this same time I also drew a picture of our current situation. This basically had a circle for the pool with two circles in it showing Rach and Tina and four X’s around the outside showing the guys. It is labelled ‘Hot’, too right.

4.34 – 3-man has begun. Seems the night should quite quickly turn into something else about now. Craftily we have a body board in the pool and are using it as a table. Nothing will stand in the way of us getting drunk.

4.38 – Visitors arrive, the people the girls had previously visited. More players for the game. They don’t quite know what they are in for.
(This actually turned out awesomely as two of the three people who arrived were a couple who sat next to each other. Not fully knowing the game it seemed the guy thought the girl was picking on him by rolling lots of 7s (making him drink), so he kept nominating her for drinks, making a drunken cycle of fun times)

4.55 – I have finished all my beers and am onto my bottle of SoCo. Another one for the ever growing ‘obvious foreshadowing’ folder.

4.59 – Apparently I love 3-man, my note pad simply has “I love this game” written in large letters. Being the clever person I am I also drew the NBA logo.

5 – I love this note pad.

5.06 – Tina, virgin, comedy gold.

5.20 – I have decided Tinas family (not sure about that) are awesome. I have also decided that Rach’s new nick name of Ray should be made to stick, I see no problem with this…

5.30 – SoCo – I seem to be labouring this point a little. It is a great drink though. I am also quite pleased with the music, though I would say that wouldn’t I. Faith no more comes on, have not listened to them in some time.

5.40 – Apparently it is now that it dawns on me that the pool is a potential drowning hazard. I should probably add more stress on the potential part of that.

6.12 – Improbably I am inside making a salad, now that one you didn’t see coming right? Duncan notes that the celery is quite floppy, loose if you will. He helpfully points out it is not quite as loose as Tina though. Why is it that when you make those jokes and the person it is in relation to is not around you feel like a terrible person? Well, maybe you do, the jury is out.

6.12 (again?) – Anna, answer your damn phone. I think I was trying to agree with a happy new year text by ringing her back. In hindsight it was probably a blessing she didn’t answer the phone. Though I did still manage to make many phone calls over the night, even to Australia.

6.20 – Food pool. Curiously by the end of the night it did kind of look that way. Yes, we are clean people.

6.21 – Happy birthday Anna. This takes up a whole page for some reason. It doesn’t even almost make any sense as far as I can tell. None at all.

6.40 – My note pad has posed a simple question – Pants? The one and only correct answer is, of course, no.

6.40.46 – Apparently I am that accurate with my time keeping. I don’t think I can argue with that being as the note is “GRRRRRRRRRRR”

6.40.59 – “MMMMMMMMM” – There is actually potential that this is a scribble and not letters at all. There is also potential I am functionally retarded, but at this point it is all semantics (and yes, that doesn’t make sense, I don’t care)

6.50 – Stuff
6.51 – What?
6.52 – Wet hook up.
(this is one of my favourite pages so far)

7 – Cricket.
Something.
Top phone
Who ringing?
(it would seem my mental degeneration is kicking into overdrive at this point. Then again making sense was never my real motivating factor was it?)

7.15 – Though the page is not really legible, I know what it was intended to say and that is “Pants? Amateur. Armchair.” I know it should say this as I do remember it and for some reason found that really funny. I also know I tried to text it to someone, but because I could not figure out how to spell amateur at the time I went for novice instead, totally killing the joke. Well, the fact I actually wrote ‘notice’ didn’t help it any either (Pants? Notice. Pants off? Armchair – you figure it out)

7.19 – Another baffling one, it says “C Rack @”. I am not sure exactly, but my impression of this message is that I just saw Tinas boobs.

7.33 – Drunking. Phone. Pool. This was the first of several mentions of the pool where I inexplicably crossed the l, making the word read poot. Have I pointed out handwriting is not my best mate yet?

7.33.03 – CUNTS! Just a simple page filling word. OK, there was a little picture too. Hmmm…
The next page has another picture of the pool, though this time all the little shapes are inside the big circle.

7.50 – No pants. Wet. Pool(t) great. Seriously, this was one of the nicest weather days I have been in for a long time and I got to spend it drinking in a paddling pool, sometimes things are just right in the world.

8.16 – Don’t write thoughts
8.16.08 – Cold. Pants? Nah
It is times like this I kind of wish I could expand or explain things beyond saying “I was really drunk” but I can’t.

or can I?
8.16.032 (what??) – Evidently ’slut’ translates directly to ‘lesbian’, who knew?
Now that is a story, with a lot of good photos. Let’s just say there were girls and hooking up. Mmmhmmm

8.16.57 – Everyone in. Right. We managed to cram 6 or more people in the paddling pool at various times. The wetness was great.

8.17 – If it wasn’t clear that near nakedness was the order of the day K-Fresh and I debate the merits of getting out junk out. Better judgement did prevail.

8.38 – Apparently there were some kind of dramas in relation to a phone, or phone call or text. I am really not sure, it doesn’t ring any bells and doesn’t seem all that likely to begin with. I think it is safe to say that there was a phone, and that is about it.

8.39 – Put on pants? Give up Alcohol? Not bloody likely.
I wonder if someone had questioned me about that or something?

9.10 – Cold pool? Hmmmm
9.10 – more – that was a good story?
(I don’t actually know if that is what it said. I am pretty sure in fact it said nothing even remotely like that, but I am making the executive decision to say that’s what it is now.)

9.20 – Tina “Don’t force it in Marsh”
I am making another executive decision and not even almost explaining that situation either.

9.46 – Moving is overrated, fuck that. This statement is so unsurprising I do not know why I bothered to note it down in the first place. On the other hand I am pretty well in the running to win any and every stating the obvious contest that ever happens.

9.47 – Ring, ring, ring. The other half of the page has something written on it, but I am not sure what. I mean, clearly it is ink similar to the first half, but, the patterns the ink makes means almost nothing to me. The best attempt I can muster is – Go drunk call got to A!

10.09 – Church.
Kez rules, like, lots. Funny shit. Much so.
Why are they dancing on me? I know we are drunk but who needs [word missing]
At this point we had come back inside and the music had taken a decidedly worse turn (IMO), I was sitting down drinking and had everyone else dancing around/on me. It was an unusual turn of events, but it does make sense of why the writing is so horrible. Well, it was almost a good excuse right?

10.10 – The page just says ‘Rhyme Book’ Kieran has named my note pad and I like it. I like it so much in fact that I promptly forget all about it and only now can recall the event ever happening.

10.28 – I have written down “suitcase tumbler” with a little picture of a U with a line across it. I meant it to look like a drinking glass. This started one of the stranger parts of the night for me. Everyone had left to find fun elsewhere, which though was possible still seemed weird to me as there was a liquor ban in place, so without a destination we were just stopping drinking. Not content to do that I tried to drink faster, hence I decided to have some suitcases. The problem I found was that we didn’t have shot glasses (which is amazing considering how many I, ah, own). Ever the ingenious one I just poured my ’shots’ in small drinking glasses. Yes, this is going to end well. So, I drink half the lime juice and then went to drink the ’shot’ of SoCo, unfortunately the glass was so full I had no means of fitting all the alcohol in my mouth, not even close really, I had filled it up quite a bit. So basically I had three goes at drinking the SoCo and then finally drank the rest of the lime, which there was also ample of. It was not such a pleasant situation really.

I then got my shit together and was about to leave to catch up with the others (technically I was planning on going to the other side of town on a visiting mission, but they didn’t know that). As I round the corner of the house Tina comes running up, quite worn out by the look of things. I managed to hear her say something about alcohol before she was inside. I followed, quite intrigued by it all and got inside to see her filling a 1.5 litre bottle with vodka and coke. I thought it excessive, but assumed she was going to take it somewhere to drink (despite the liquor ban, neither of us really thought this as bad an idea as it really was).
Anyway, she makes her drink, takes a sip, then puts it in the fridge while saying “it’s a trap for someone who wants coke tomorrow” we then both left again.
So, that was weird then wasn’t it? The correct answer is of course yes, but, at the time it seemed to be a logical and calm thing to do. Isn’t alcohol great.

10.40 – The next page reads ‘Will shave. Fucktard. The work ones & mind’ I don’t know what that means exactly but I sure as hell can explain the situation it came up in.
Tina and I walked down the road from my place and then found Duncan on the side of the road. He informs us that the rest of our friends in the house we are in front of. He also mentions Will is getting his head shaved. Rather than sorting through the situation I just decided that I didn’t know who Will was and was going to say so to anyone who asked, and more so anyone who didn’t ask too.
Events at the house were a little confusing, I do remember a Jager bomb and a shot of something I am pretty sure was absinthe – it burnt. I also remember Will coming up to me and asking to talk, then going outside and having him explain that he got his head shaved (duh), and he did it because they said they were raising money for cancer. Call me heartless if you will, but who the fuck was ever going to believe that story? We are raising money for cancer by shaving random drunk people’s heads on New Year’s eve in Whangamata in a small house on a not particularly important road. What?? I pretty quickly decide I don’t want to be with Will right about now, so I walk back inside. The situation still does confuse me quite a bit, but I had more important things to do, like getting across town and back in under an hour.

10.41 – This is kinda back in time now you have read all of that (which you have?) but it just says jager. Yeah, good times.

10.42 – Jager bombs – bomb. A jager-bomb-bomb? what? Yeah, apparently we were getting alcohol here, who knew. The next day I would also find out we could have got drugs there too. What nice (?) people.
(I also find out that was the whole reason we went to the house in the first place)

10.48 – Whip it, whip it good.

10.49 – No Will, no! – this one doesn’t really need an explanation does it.

10.50 – this note still means nothing to me, it just reads ‘X 2′ I assume this was meant to be ‘times two’ why I would write that down however…

10.51 – Will no happy. Hair. Scam – again, I’ll just leave that one.

10.53 – We are dancing in a random house for no apparently reason. Least they are playing the doors.

10.57 – We finally leave the random house. That was one of the most confusing 20 minute periods of the night, that is saying quite a bit. Little did I know there was more.

10.58 – As I was leaving a person in the house noticed I was writing and asked me why. Thinking very quickly I told her I am a sociology major and I am doing research into the drinking habits and social behaviours of 20-26 year olds. I backed this up with using lecturers names from the University, and also saying “Hey, we funded that guy to do the study on bogan social habits, I am doing something very similar but with a different social group”. Though she did point out she was not in the age range, so I did not need to talk to her, she did buy the story and thought it was quite a novel idea. Apparently lots of people drink at this time of year. She also wrote a page in my note pad “Nana Jayne love, peace & sunshine – Tinny house” weirdly I didn’t catch on to the drugs until the next day. As I have pointed out, people drink at this time of year.

11 – Sociology (see above)

11.02 – Work walk wulk. Pretty sure it was meant to be the word walk repeated three times. I am quite drunk by this stage. Quite very very.

11.06 – Bush golf. No, not quite a new sport, or anything sexy either, we just needed to cross the golf course and I believe I fell in some bushes too. I knew the way to go, but had we not been following some other people there is a strong chance we would still be on that golf course.

11.12 – Run. I left my friends when we reached the far side of the golf course. I had decided this was the right time to go and find my other friend. I ran for quite a while, and got many a comment from people around, it was a weird thing to see I guess.

11.14 – Stop. Not right there. Spin guide. I had not arrived yet, but apparently was a little lost so I didn’t need to continue running. Either that or I did keep running because…

11.16 – mdstmgjoistpo,aipvospkg, – OK, so it doesn’t say that, but the letters are all smushed on top and into each other, so it may have been close. I am pretty sure this is why a person who can’t write and is drunk should not try and write while running. Go figure?

11.15 – tish cant. Don’t know what it means, don’t know how I went back in time. But, that is it.

11.16 – Chartwell. I believe this is the name of the road near where I was going. That only took me 15 minutes running to go a distance of what is actually around about 1km.

11.22 – I am at Lee’s house now. It is a weird place to be. Not in any bad way, I was just shocked to show up and find there was basically just her and a handful of ten year old kids. Is this really my life? Did I just run across town to hang out with young children? In the time it takes me to throw back a KGB (quite literally seconds) the place had cleared out and it was just the two of us. A little perplexed I jump at the opportunity to go to the surf club. I grab another drink first and finish it before leaving the section.

11.41 – I can’t make out the full comment but I believe the word ‘root’ and ’sister’ are key. I think it is probably safer if I just leave that one alone and point out that as we walked to the surf club not only did Lee go out of her way to avoid walking past police officers (??) she also randomly swore at some douchbag who either looked at her, or said something near her. I thought it was freaking awesome.

11.44 – Public toilet. Makes sense? Surf club.

11.48 – Toilet over. Surf club (I think we have gathered that now). Why wet shoes??
What just happened there? I was waiting outside public toilets for Lee, I don’t think much more is needed. Though as I was doing so Dunc rang me, told me to wave my hands around (I did, made sense right?) and hey presto Tina ran out from somewhere and hugged me. I have been trying to recreate this event over and over since, but apparently it is not some magical cue.

11.53 – I realise, and decide to note down that there are only 7 minutes left for Tina to slam someone.

12.05 – After the countdown me and Duncan realise they did not play Auld Lang Syne but instead jumped right in to some Aerosmith. This does not please us one bit, so we sing it ourselves.
[Note: The use of the word sing in the previous sentence in no way should be taken to mean that we had rhythm, could stay in tune, or in fact knew the words]

Two other things happened at this time – Tina and Rach said something to us, and then sprinted off (we didn’t understand why, but also didn’t do anything about it); and Duncan dropped his ring. Thinking quickly Duncan told this to me and I, thinking equally as quick, dived to the ground. Pushing peoples legs out of the way (big crowd, all starting to move places) yelling something about a contact lens. I did find the ring, and I did enjoy the experience. Sweet times.

12.29 – As we are walking home a girl and her mum wished us a happy new year from the front of their property. Needing no more invitation we walked over and had a chat. I quickly noticed they were not going to be supplying alcohol, and it was highly unlikely any kind of sexual activity would spur from the conversation either so I basically zoned out – though at the same time I think I was active in the conversation (huh?) I know they did ask about the note pad and I carefully retold my story from earlier.
Speaking about earlier we were almost back at that house…

12.35 – We arrive back at Nana Jaynes place. There is no one home. We (it is just Dunc, Kieran and myself) look at the pile of hair on the ground and laugh, then two girls (women) come out and ask us what’s going on. We tell them the story about our friend getting his head shaved, though we had invented a mystery 9 year old boy who did it. They quickly grow tired of our conversations (they think we a liars). As we leave I say something about Nana Jayne and they both snap to alertness. I start telling them all I know about her (basically nothing at all really, not even a terrible description) and that we had a great conversation. To prove my point I show them my note pad. We still leave right away, but maybe on slightly better terms?

12.37 – Kieran is a gay. I don’t know what spurred this on, which is quite unfortunate, it seems funny. It is especially good because of the comment earlier where I cannot seem to stop praising Kieran. I think I may be a little bi-polar. Or drunk. [Hmmm, I may have just insulted all bi-polar people, or all drunk people. Did I just assume that a mental illness is actually just people being drunk? I don’t know what’s going on.

12.42 – Fuck you all, time for champers. Earlier I had put a bottle of cheap sparkling white wine (so, kind of champers) in the fridge, I figure around 1am is a good time to open so I do. This of course is all back at our place. Tina and Rach had beaten us back, and cooked up some bacon and sausages’, Will had appeared just as we arrived and Dunc was not keen to drink. Looks like this is just me and [the freshly outed] K-Fresh.

12.53 – Hot meat bread. I take it I had a sausage too. I also take it me and Kieran are gonna play some tetris. Yeah, weird a little.

12.55 – I recall another time of sitting around drunk in the wee hours of the morning. We had watched some of the show Dr. 90210 and learned of a surgical technique – LVR, laser vaginal rejuvenation. It is suggested this could help Tinas born-again-ness? What? Huh?

1am – Champers some more, this bottle seems to be getting the better of us. I throw the top away, that seems to solve most alcoholic problems. Tina is currently on my phone to her parents, Dunc yells from the other side of the yard “Swallow you bitch”. Thanks for the input Duncan.

The next page is a simple stick figure drawing with the text ‘Rach – the portrait’ underneath. I am also an artist it seems.

1.11 – Tetris.
1.16 – Level 1
1.32 – Tetris? No, Tessie!!
Seems I was enjoying myself a lot then too. Tessie is a reference to a Dropkick Murphys song, which is a reference to baseball.

1.40 – Sleep? No, champers first. At least I have my priorities right, but sleep would be a fun thing. Kieran notes that he is going to throw up. I take the bottle away from him but he protests. I give it back and he continues to drink. This is the time of night real men are born.

1.52 – Black velvet band (another Droppers song) is playing and the champers is done. What an effort. Great night though, so it’s all worthwhile.

1.54 – Bed time.

And there ya go, one of the most memorable New Years I have had, of course, this is helping with all the memories, well, and all the sweet photos that were taken.

I woke up later (about 8ish?) not feeling that bad, I proceeded to breathalyse myself, apparently I am in absolutely no shape to drive. The plus side is leaving the section seemed quite an unlikely thing, and as I sit here now writing this, hours after I began, I can safely say the closest thing I did to leave the section today was sitting in a paddling pool, so, not very close at all.

As my write up of the first concert was so average, and because the second concert was identical I decided I would do a much better write up of this one, just to be nice (or maybe mean) to all those who missed out.

I will start by saying the second concert was even better than the first, and that I am beyond impressed with the Foo Fighters right now. I can’t wait for another tour to see how, and if, they can top this one. It was amazing.

Tuesday started off with me trying to write an essay. As boredom and excitement took over, so did the urge to shot people and stuff like that; so I started watching NK play GTA:IV.

Hours passed and before I knew it Beer Tuesday had come and gone and we were on the way to the concert.

The two opening acts were Kaki King, and The Sky Bombers.
Only caught a small bit of Kaki, but in what we saw we could tell she was an amazing guitar player, we were then pretty gutted that we had missed most of her set (both nights).
The Sky Bombers on the other hand were full of energy, but, it didn’t seem a lot else. Sure, this is probably harsh as I am comparing them to the Foo Fighters, but I didn’t really rate them at all. The second night was a little better, as I had heard all their songs by now and got caught in the tunes a little bit more. I must say however, when you introduce a song saying “This song is about my mum, it’s called She’s always complaining” you maybe should reconsider things.
Who knows?

The break between the Bombers and the Foos was pretty short, so before we knew it (well, the rest of the crowd, we had a pretty good idea based on the previous night) Chris, Nate, Taylor and Dave were out on stage. As per the previous night for the first two songs they were also joined by Drew Hester, Jessy Greene, Pat Smear and Rami Jaffee (who all made many other appearances during the show).
The set list for the two nights was the same, with the only changes coming in the encore, where in the second night they added three additional songs (DOA, No Way Back, and Generator).

From the moment they hit the stage the crowd went mental. A constant cheer as the band stood around and Dave ran out the runway and out on the sides of the stage, saluting the crowd and getting everyone pumped up.

They then cut right into Let it Die, which was followed without a break by The Pretender, they then continued to play right into Times Like These and then Breakout. A powerful intro indeed. They crowd, as New Zealand does for the Foo Fighters was going nuts the whole time. Cheering loudly, singing proudly (yeah, I don’t think that actually works either, it’s OK thought).

After the first 4 songs the band stopped for a moment for Dave to have a few words. Talk about how good the last night was, and how much better this one would be. He came out with the idea that modern bands with their make-up and crying and junk, play for an hour and fifteen minutes, and that it is pathetic. As such he announced they would play at least two hours, but as the cheer died down from that he suggested that they will just play until the audience tells them to leave. This idea was met with an even bigger cheer.

They then jumped into another series of songs (I forget exact order here) which included Cheer Up, Boys (Your Make-up Is Running); Learn to Fly; Staked Actors; and This is a Call.
Two of these songs had extended interludes.

During This is a Call Dave went on a rampage, running too all corners of the stage, melting some faces with his mad guitar skills (I couldn’t help myself there, sorry). While Staked Actors began with a guitar duel (bad choice of word) between Dave and Chris, and paused in the middle for an extended drum solo. It seemed during this solo that the rest of the band were taking a little break, as they all left the stage and weren’t to be seen.

The next portion of the set was where things really got awesome (well, it was equally as awesome as the rest of it, but the whole show was at such a new level of awesomeness it was hard to decide where on the awesome scale any one song or segment belonged).
Can everyone say acoustic?

Yes, Dave, followed shortly by the rest of the band walked to the end of the central runway where they were met with a second circular stage that had descended from the ceiling. The stage was preset with drums, pianos, percussion segment and microphones. It was essentially a small take on the Skin and Bones set.
Amazing was about to happen.

Starting with Skin and Bones the pace of the whole concert changed (moderately). They then played (in some order) My Hero; Cold Day in the Sun; But, Honestly; and Marigold. The big band also got introduced which tonight allowed for a sweet violin romp with Jessy, and, of course, the obligatory triangle solo with Drew Hester (who later we are sure was hitting on Jessy)

There was of course more chatting from Dave here, including a portion where he told us to “shut the fuck up”, and questioned how they were meant to play music with the crowd that loud. There was also banter back and forth with Taylor before Cold Day in the Sun.

The previous night this banter had included a joke which wasn’t really heard, but mentioned something about all the convicts from England actually coming to New Zealand (Taylor), and a rebuttal saying that actually, it was all the hot women, (Dave) as there was a big group right in the front. Tonight; however, Dave warned that no jokes should be told, and teased the crowd with not knowing what they were talking about.
Once these songs were done the band left once again and Dave had another talk with the audience. This time Dave spoke about the Beaconsfield Miners, and how much that story had changed his view on their music. He also explained that it was because of a drunken promise to one of the miners that the song actually made the album.
Clearly this song was then played. Dave re-introduced Kaki King, who he rates as the greatest guitar player ever; and quite a looker (potentially).

After this Dave went right into Everlong, which as expected drew amazing roars from the crowd. Dave played along until the end of the song when he raced back to the main stage, and right up beside Taylor on the drums. However, as Dave tried to get back on the stage his foot was caught in a wire and he fell straight down on his face.
(From where I was it looked like he broke his ankle at first as his shoe came off slightly, allowing for a weird bend)
Dave recovered like a pro and after throwing his guitar up over his shoulder (neck snapped off when it hit the ground) carried on singing. The pro roadies rushed out and got him a new guitar without missing a beat and the song finished as well as it ever has. Dave then quipped that it was perfect that it (the fall) happened now at the end of the tour (end of this leg, they play again at the end of this month and Germany).

They then rushed into Monkey Wrench, which as expected also went off. Then to finish the main part of the set they played All my Life, which included the backing screens turning red, recreating the awesomeness of the video (and the infamous (??) photo of their silhouettes’ on a red back ground where it looks like one guy doesn’t have a head).

The crowd roar was insatiable with the band off the stage, and as per the previous night (and most concerts on this tour I am told) the video screens soon came back on with Dave showing the set list and holding up a finger stating one more song. The crowd went off again. Taylor then came on screen and also indicated one more song, but after holding a hand to his ear changed this to two more songs. Dave concurred, but then Taylor came back and like he wanted it kept a secret held up three fingers. Good times to come.

The band came back on stage and after Dave explained he often likes opening an encore with a softer song they played Big Me with Jessy coming back in to help with the vocals. This was followed with Long Road to Ruin, which also went off.
Actually, Long Road to Ruin was quite unique this night, as it was Chris’ birthday.

Halfway through the song a random guy ran out onto stage and was just standing around behind Dave. This caused the band to stop and Dave explain to the guy that he can’t just run up there while they are playing. Unless…
Yeah, he was a male stripper and proceeded to get some clothes off and dance around for Chris. Highly amusing. We then sang happy Birthday and Dave asked the crowd what they wanted next.

A small section at the front was chanting for DOA, and Dave obliged by playing it. They then went straight into No Way Back, which had a huge amount of audience singing involved. Finally they added Generator for good measure.

Those of you counting could note that is 5 songs in the 3 song encore; and as all good things must come to an end Dave thanked the crowd once more, created a cheer for the roadies, and then finished everything up with Best of You.

So, we left and on our walk home realised that as good as the first night was, they topped it in the second. More songs will do that I guess. It was also interesting to note that all the little speeches and anecdotes changed between the two shows, even ones that were essentially the same (Beaconsfield miners story) – then again, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise, they are pros after all.

All up this has been the greatest 5 day period of my life, topped off by two of the best concerts I may ever see. The random couple who I spoke to this morning (because I had a Foos shirt on) summed it up nicely when they said “Nothing else is ever going to be the same. How are we going to get a concert better than that? I might have to give up on going to them if they are all going to be huge disappointments when compared to the Foo Fighters.”

(It should be noted I wrote all of this, while I have an essay due in two days that I have yet to start or even really have a good look at – Foo Fighters > Passing University)

- GG

So this day had high expectations coming in. The Foo Fighters are one of my favourite bands, and arguably one of the greatest bands of all time (or at least our generation). They also put on awesome live shows (as I have seen them several times already), so I was expecting an great night.

The day started pretty early, woken up at 6.30 by SA having a show. I then proceeded to get up once SDC and NK had gone to work, and sat around watching some cartoons while surfing the net. Before I knew it, 11.30 had come around and I hopped the bus to town to meet up with SDC for lunch. Little did I know my cousin was meeting us there as well with his army buddies.

So I arrive and the boys had just finished ordering their meals and had a round of beers on the table, I quickly got my own beer and ordered a dozen buffalo wings (Degree is an awesome place, and these wings are amazing – I had been crazing them since I left Auckland). So drinking took place, and then SDC arrived and got his own beer and ordered food. Drinking and eating occurred and SDC headed back to work (three beers down at lunch – nice). I, being a student who had decided to take several days off, hung around and continued to drink many more pints with the army boys.

This was a highly positive idea on my behalf, as these army guys were good freaking quality. I have never had so many laughs about weird conversations and events at lunchtime before. Just for a taster, one of the guys explained to us that when he was younger (at primary school) he beat off to Officer Callahan from Police Academy. Police Academy the Animated show that is. The reason that is worth noting is because this guy was quite loud – and it was 1pm in a public place. Yeah, it was heading to be that kind of day…

Continued drinking till about 5, then came back home and before long we were down at the concert. Originally I had been a little disappointed because I was seated, but once I found my seats (stage right, not to far back in either direction) I realised that the view was awesome, and that I was not going to be disappointed.

The concert started with Let it Die, followed up by The Pretender, and then still without saying a word they went into Times Like These and Breakout. After that point I kind of forget the order the songs were played, but the set list looked something like this

· Best Of You

· Cold Day In The Sun

· The Pretender

· Let It Die

· Long Road To Ruin

· Cheer Up, Boys (Your Make-Up Is Running)

· But, Honestly

· Times like these

· Breakout

· Staked actors

· Monkey wrench

· Everlong

· Breakout

· Big Me

· All my life

· Ballard for the Beaconfield Miners

· Marigold

· This is a call

· Learn to fly

· My hero

· Long road to ruin

· Skin and Bones

Clearly an awesome set.

But not only was it sweet music, there was a good portion in the middle where a second stage came down from the roof and they played a bunch of acoustic songs, similar to Skin and Bone (the DvD). This was extra awesome because it also allowed for Dave to do a whole bunch of talking, which is always entertaining.

So, they played for a few hours, and it was the best few hours of my short little life. Afterwards I just could not stop smiling.

I am very excited about seeing them again tonight.

The only bad thing I have to say is about Vector. As everyone has said time and time again, the sound in Vector is not really great. It was noticeable again last night. Not very bad, but there were bits of the show I felt that Vector was letting them down.

Oh well, I was seeing the Foos twice in two days, I am probably not going to complain.

- GG

Sunday started like oh so many do: not wanting to wake up.

Eventually I motivated myself to leave my room, and then I proceeded with the next common Auckland Sunday activity: sitting around with BT guys, playing on the Internet, and talking about junk.

I can’t completely recall what went on during Sunday.  We watched a few movies on the media centre: Gone Baby Gone and The Bank Job, and also watched a new episode of the office.  I don’t really know what else happened but we passed the time till 7 when we started watching actual TV. We also ordered pizza at some point.  Who knows of these days.  As the evening drew on and we realised there was nothing on TV everyone went to sleep.  I on the other hand had no work the next day so I stayed up watching Cobra on TV (until Sky died due to the weather), and Jumper on my laptop.

Bed happened, but sleep didn’t.  I was ever so excited about Monday – Foo Fighters day.

- GG

Ah Saturday.  This was a special day, I don’t often have such big hangovers after Friday night’s these days.  I am not complaining at all, as Friday was excellent, but it did make Saturday not so nice.

I got up at about 9, and knowing what was ahead of me for the day I quickly drank a cruiser.  Yes, that’s right, 9am and I was drinking a vodka cruiser while surfing the internet from bed.  I have truly reached a high point in my life.

White Warrior sent me a text message not long after advising that I should get up as he was picking me up shortly.  After struggling out of bed I had a shower and then proceeded to pack my bag.  WW showed up and as we drove away informed me that there was going to be some firewood to be picked up.  As I was hungover (though on my way back to getting drunk), I did not think about this – I was going to be carrying firewood around.

After a short stop in Matangi we were on our way to Parongia (yeah, all over the show way to get to Auckland).  I decided this was a good point of the day to start drinking properly, so cracked into the Raddlers I had left from last night.

After the firewood was all loaded we were on the road again – this time actually heading to Auckland.  I continued to drink, more combatively than ever.  I was still feeling a little uneasy from Friday, the lack of sleep and large amount of alcohol were apparently catching up with me.

The drive was uneventful, except for the fact anywhere we stopped I noticed people staring at me.  I couldn’t figure it out at the time.  I guessed it was because I was clearly drinking and it was still before midday.  Later I realised it was probably because I was wearing a bright pink, ah, lightish red shirt.  Huntly was interesting…

We arrived in Auckland, unloaded the firewood (I more just sat around drinking), and then headed to the guys flat to proceed with the party.  Upon arrival we discovered there was actually a Westie Theme to the night, this made my lightish red shirt even less appropriate.  Oh well, I was drunk, I didn’t care.

So, everyone continued drinking heavily, and later on the fun and games started.  I guess the best way to put this is the truth.  We killed a baby [doll].  One of the guests had brought along their baby [doll] and at some point it was decided people should try and hurt it as much as possible.  One of the first things was stealing the baby and throwing it in the microwave.  Soon after this a knife had been brought out and it was placed in the baby’s face.  We then thought the baby should be cremated, so put it in the oven.

Realising the danger of fire that existed we just cut the baby’s head off and stuck it on top of a pepper grinder – well, obviously right?

Sure, it is probably pretty sick, but it was highly amusing at the time.  Excellent.

Eventually people started to leave and the party wound down.  All up it was an awesome evening, and it will also be very sad to see Blue Streak leave (terrible sentence.  Then again, a lot of this has been).

- GG

Friday was “a day just like any other day, no work, and no play.  I knew that paradise was some other place and I’ll get there, another way…”

OK, so that was just a stupid reason to put some Bad Religion lyrics in the blog.  Get over it.

Anyway, Friday was my Mums birthday, so, after doing the lovely son things in the morning I took off to Uni as I had to go to work.  I stayed there for a few hours then went and did a very important tax presentation.  This went really well, so to celebrate, I went back to work.  A few hours later the wine was flowing at work, and all was well in the world.  I hung around for a few drinks before remembering I had a real party to get to that night, so could do much more drinking there.

I got home and opened a beer.  The next steps involved showering and listening to music while I waited for 830 to come so I could go and get drunk.  Like clockwork (hahahahahahha!!!!) 830 rolled around and as did I do Duncans. 

I really can’t talk up drinking with my hockey friends enough.  Sure there are times I pass it up because of other engagements, but when I do drink with them it is always really good times.  This night was no exception.

I will admit that I don’t recall a lot of the happenings.  This was proven more when I saw some photos of the night that I had no recollection of at all.  I am quite the photo slut though, I can’t be expected to remember every shot I was in.

After several many drinks there I somehow got a ride to town, where we all quickly proceeded to Bar 101, the best new bar in Hamilton.

Things go blank again here.  I do however remember carrying Geoff into the bar as he was far to drunk to be let in alone.  I also know I did buy some drinks there – though I have not seen a charge for these yet, so, I don’t know what happened there.

A few hours and a kebab later I was back at home.  Much worse for wear, but in a very happy state.

I do so love alcohol.

The best bit was that I knew this was just the start of an epic weekend.

- Green Griffin

Well would you look at that, I am an Aucklander.

One of the first things I did when I arrived at my new home was putting a bottle of Jager in the freezer (where it potentially still is now I think about it). This will likely have ramifications for the rest of my story.

My first night in Auckland was the quite the eventful one as it coincided nicely with Scarlet Avengers birthday bash. This of course meant that drinking, and drinking in large quantities was going to happen. Maybe the consequences of these two evens should have just been filed under “Obvious foreshadowing” (Stolen) and left at that.

But that’s not nearly as fun is it?

For me drinking began around 2pm I guess. I started with a few beers but quickly proceeded to Southern Comfort, you know, because I am from South (of Auckland) and I enjoy being comfortable. This may also explain why my fly was undone for almost the entire night, it is also more comfortable that way (I believe there are photos somewhere of me realising this – pity I didn’t change the jeans before going to town).

Shortly after this point the bottle had been finished (sounds much better than the truth which was the bottle only had two drinks worth in it, I had been meaning to finish it off for ages), so I turned to my next option, the 3 dozen red bull I had in my room. Now you see why I mentioned the Jager.

Yeah, so my drink of choice for several hours was Jager and Red Bull. Occasionally I would substitute Jager for Vodka, but in the end it may have been the consumption of Red Bull that I should have been limiting. I mean, what is the recommended daily intake these days? A bottle? two? Now, what happens when a person has like seven or more in four hours? Good things right?

At some point there was pizza and garlic bread ordered. I ate a loaf of garlic bread. I do not think I actually saw the pizza.

There was also an interesting incident that may have broken in my new bed [Read: Single foam mattress on the ground]. There seemed to be 10 people in my room (quite the squeeze) and for some reason Pink Box, Silver Sovereign and I decided to start dry humping the shit out of each other (for the uninformed ones of us out there, clothes were on. We are not savages. Some may even say far from it). I am unsure how this activity began, finished, or any of the reasoning behind it (other than the amazing, raw, sexual magnetism extruded from each of us), but it was apparently quite the spectacle.

Later in the evening town in Parnel happened. I was in a bar momentarily, then I sprinted around outside (quite literally – maybe because of the red bull?) for a while before catching a taxi alone to the casino where I was meeting a friend (I was aware no one else was going to town).

Unfortunately for me my friend took more than an hour to arrive (it was likely closer to 20 minutes, but the Red Bull was effecting my judgement of time. I rang her twice in this period trying to hurry her up). This waiting did not please me. She and her friend (male) did however wish to go and play in the casino when they arrive, which pleased me greatly (see what I did there?). However, being a seasoned gambler as I so often claim to be I have many firm beliefs about how one should act within a casino, and especially when at, or watching a blackjack table. I was well aware my friend would not know these rules, and potentially not care to learn them, so using all the cunning, stealth, and speed offered to be by the copious amounts of red bull I had coursing through my veins I ditched them at some slot machines and made my way to a $15 table.

Let the good times roll! And roll they did (horribly written). I played approximately six hands before I saw my friend coming back and knew I had to leave the table. In these hands I did not lose (I had two pushes I think), but I did double down on 11 against a 6 (who can say 21?), and got a blackjack. Coincidently on both of those hands an Asian man next to me had bet on me. Either he was good luck, or I am a really awesome person. I lean towards a bit of both (Bow Chicka Bow Wow!!!).

Before leaving the casino ($65 up) I actually won again. It was while cashing out. I had stacked my chips in order of worth and handed them to the cashier. As he started to move the chips around I saw him take one from one end and move it to the other. I found this very peculiar until I saw the chip was a $25, not a $2.50 as I had read it to be. Had I been sober I would have never got that extra joy, this is why alcohol is great.

I then walked around some more with my friend. Eventually found Cream Crusader, and then had a terrible kebab at Kebabs on Queen.

The next day involved much not moving and for some members (SA) much more vomiting than most people would deem necessary.

The day after that I hear (?) you asking about? Well, that is when I started my sweet new job…

(Which in hindsight I may not actually write a lot about, you know, for liability purposes. I don’t want someone to completely overreact to something and then threaten to sue me when they have no grounds to stand upon as I was just expressing an opinion about something. Never mind…)

Green Griffin

It has been a while between Beer Tuesday events, but there are a couple coming up in the next couple of weeks.

Scarlet Avengers Birthday/Green Griffin flat warming – Saturday 10 November, Auckland.

The collective age and size of the Auckland chapter is increasing, and to celebrate this event we are getting drunk.

Beer Tuesday and Friends Christmas Party – Saturday 15 December, Hamilton

Christmas has arrived again, and to celebrate this event we are getting drunk. We are also attending the Waikato Times Gold Cup Races in Hamilton, which will be a great day in the sun for drinking and gambling.

Stay tuned for post event write-ups,

Nope, no jokes here (though I am sure some people would argue there weren’t really any in my other blogs), just decided to share the word around about my current summer plans.

As it stands I have three exams coming up, this Friday, then Monday and Friday of the following week. After that I am likely heading to Wellington for a few days for what will likely become a drunken blur – nice way to blow off steam from all the stress of exams (I mean, I will have gone all of one weekend without drinking because of exams). I am hoping this Wellington trip goes better than my last one. I mean, I had a good time, but I understand I was potentially a dick to everyone I met, or just in general – who keeps count?

Upon arriving back in Hamilton I will have a few days (assuming we are in Wellington longer than just the weekend) before heading to Auckland on the weekend of the 10^th for Scarlet Avengers birthday extravaganza. However, after this weekend I will not be returning to Hamilton with Silver Sovereign and Box as I normally would. No, I will be staying in Auckland in my new room as I start work on the 12^th.

Side note, I just saw an ad where girls were rocking it out (playing rock/paper/scissors) to determine which one of the gets to slam some dude (I think this is what was happening, I don’t really know). I found it amusing because it reminded me of what Beer Tuesday members used to (or still do) with hot bartenders. The reason for this is because it is against the rules of shotgun to call bartenders (I forget why exactly), so instead each time you see the hot bartender you have to rock it out for position. I guess I felt that you needed to know these things. Good times.

Yep, that’s right, this summer I officially become a semi-resident of Auckland. I would like to sound more disappointed about this, you know, to keep up appearances, but I am in no way unhappy with the move. As far as it goes Auckland is probably my favourite city in this country (I would have said Hamilton, but really, have you been to Hamilton? And it obviously wasn’t going to be anywhere in the South Island (ugh), or Wellington (see above)) and I am really excited about the job I will have up there, and the flat I am moving into (with several of the Auckland Beer Tuesday members, Neon Knight, Sweet Dr Chocolate and Scarlet Avenger).

Being realistic about it my move isn’t anything spectacular (obviously, it is just moving) as based on a number of 21^st invites I have I will be back in Hamilton probably four (of six) of the weekends up to Christmas. This means that not a lot will really be changing as I will be working full time and back in Hamilton on the weekends, just like it would have been if I had been in Hamilton.

After the Christmas/New Years break (for which I am currently undecided on my plans) I am unsure about my plans. I will continue to live and work in Auckland until the 22^nd of February, and then I will start my final (hopefully) year at Waikato University.

So, there it is, for everyone to not really care that much about, I just thought I hadn’t written anything in ages and this was at least something to say. Enjoy.

GG

Bonus Cuts:

So here is a story almost directly from my Friday night, but set to one of my favourite bits of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

Me: Man, I played blackjack really badly.
Other me (what?): Bad
M: Excuse me?
OM: Bad. You played blackjack bad. Otherwise you are saying the mechanism that allows you to play blackjack is broken.
M: What fuck head? Badly is an adverb, who taught you grammar?

OK, so that didn’t exactly happen (essentially because it makes it seem like I was talking to myself about grammar while drunk). But what did happen was drinking, plenty of drinking. Oh, and then I played blackjack, I lost, and I really deserved to. I was playing terribly (hence the above). I wasn’t actually doing things wrong; I just wasn’t feeling the game. I had the wrong attitude and went against my standard principles of playing (such as stay away from automatic shufflers – they are the devil by the way), and try to talk and be civil to the people at the table. All in all I shouldn’t have been there and didn’t learn my lesson as I will be back soon; especially as I left my action card there, again. I do believe this is how I get so many action points compared to other BT members who frequent the fine entertainment establishment.

The time has come.
BTRWC07 is here, Let the drinking begin. We arise at a sharp hour of the morning, Trudes has ordered a taxi for 8, I don’t recall our taxi drivers name so I’m gunna call him Max, Max informs us he can only drop us near the airport as terrorism won’t allow him to drive right up outside anymore, I think the real reason is Max has been up drinking all night, and can’t remember how to get there. Due to the amount of liquor inside Max he is quite talkative, and tells us about his daughter who lives in Wanganui, we laugh, and ask if she is a solo mother on the benefit, apparently he meant MT Maunganui, this is a far more acceptable place to live so I cut him a break, although I still hold a grudge against that place for burning my chiefs jumper. It is during this taxi ride YD makes his first in series of sensational puns.

Once at the airport we strike about half of New Zealand on their way to Marseille. We are all kitted out in our BT Napier shirts, ( speaking of which thanks a bunch to the Candyman for bringing mine over, got my name put on a few days back in Scotland for ten quid one of the happiset moments in my life) and get stopped at least 6 or 7 times, and questioned about them, the joke your a long way from Napier was funny the first time, but slightly irritating after 8 or 9 goes. I get through security after a polite frisking from some dude. We head to duty free, this place sucks, and is very discriminatory the have a side of the store (where all the good stuff is) for normal passengers, and another for passengers flying within the EU, obviously France is in the EU which sucks to be us, YD spots a free tasting of Malibu rum, so we get in the line, it is here I make my first of several politically incorrect statements on this tour. After receiving my free sample I question the dark skinned lady, ” Why is there one side of the store for me, and another for others? That my friend is racist, you are racist” she takes this in farely good spirit, and informs me it is not her that is racist, that is infact the British Government who is racist, after realizing what I had just said I don’t pursue this matter any further. WW, YD, and Trudes hit up BK for some breakfast, when this big maori dude walks by, WW jokes about how his arms are bigger then my entire body, then we joke about not running into him in a dark alley. Once we board the plane YD, WW, and Trudes take their seats, the seats are in rows of three, which means Skippy gets to sit with crazy strangers, turns out I get crammed in by the window, next to the big Maori dude, at this point I wish to bring up another peeve of mine. I am small, this has it’s advantages, sneaking into small gaps, finding money, able to be carried by people, closer to the ground when I fall, etc, etc.. It also has it’s disadvantages, reaching things on high shelves, fighting people, unable to attract women, etc, etc… which brings me to my peeve, Another advantage is when travelling on planes I am able to fit in the chairs, what pisses me off, is when I get stuck next to stupid normal size people who take up not only their seat but mine aswell, screw you hippies! It’s not my fault you people are too big for the seats, stay in your own fuckin seat, and I’ll stay in mine, kapeesh!!!!!

The guy turns out to be a really nice chap from up north somewhere, we chat about rugby, and leauge the usual man things, he says I remind him of Brendon Leonard the worlds greastest rugby player I like this about my new friend. He downs three gins during the flight, so is quite tipsy by the end.Once in Marseille we check into the hotel, and start the search for beer, we aquire 52 Kronenbourgs, that should last for the rest of the day. we drink just over 20 before heading down to the docks to search for a pub to watch the Argentina Vs France game, on the way we see a whole bunch of people crowded around a bus, it’s the All black bus, and injury prone hard man Keith Robinson wanders out, and WW snags a photo. Next on our travels we enter the official world cup merchandise store, everything is overpriced, and no one is silly enough to purchase anything.

On our way to Le pub I run across my big Maori friend he is going the otherway though, so falsely suggest I will buy him a beer if I see him again. Finally we hit the pub, there is about 13 thousand people squeezed into this tiny little bar with one tiny 18 inch Tv screen,WW, and YD are dehydrated after twenty minutes without a beer, and cough up 5 euros for a beer, Skippy is less than impressed by this, and informs the others he is going on a search for a better place, within seconds I find what looks like a gay bar, But it has a big screen tv so I enter, and order a beer, and sit down for the opening ceremony, I’m sorry but opening ceremonies must go, they have no place in modern society, after watching a bunch of stupid Frenchies in gay costumes run around with Xbox buttons on their shirts I’d had enough, this followed by a bunch of has been rugby players running out on to the field, John Eales, Jonu Lomu were acceptable, but after Donny Osmond, and former Pakistani opening bowler Wasim Akram ran out I’d snapped. After my beer I head back, and get the others. We have front row seats, and proceed to enjoy every minute of France losing. After the game we head outside WW makes friends with some Arges who ask him to do a Haka for them, it is here I make my second politically incorrect mistake, after 9 beers, and 2 Mojitos I am more than keen, we wait for YD to return from the toilet. WW informs me I will be leading the Haka it was an honor, but in hindsight a bad idea from WW, I proceed to give the worst Haka rendition since the Allblacks did it in the changing rooms in Wales. After completing the first verse for the thrid time I realized things had gone array, about this time a big fat Frenchie tries to get in my face I brush him off like a piece of lint, and finish the Haka, about half way through the other lads had stopped due to embarrasment, I finish to around of applause from the Arges. I then suffer the abuse of YD, WW for the next few minutes, I insist it wasn’t that bad. On the way back we stop at Macca’s, YD, and WW are inside, I notice some crazy black dude talking to Trudes, I stumble over to investigate, he askes me something which sounds likes, “can I have a minute” and proceeds to rub two fingers together, I have no idea what he’s on about, and just yell ” Non Non Non” at him he gets the point, and moves on.

Saturday arrives, I sleep in so am not really sure what went on I believe some pastries were purchased, we have a few more beers before kickoff, and wander towards the stadium, I am not sure what this place is like normally, but it seems like it’s buzzing, and the’re Allblack shirts for Africa around here, it’s only a short walk to the stadium we get there pretty quickly stopping once for food, and beer, we view the Allblacks bus entering the stadium with a police escort, excitement is building by the second, just before entering the stadium, I get tapped on the shoulder by a somewhat overweight Italian man my French, and Italian is excellent now, and I realize he wants a photo with me, I oblige like a flash he jumps out of the photo, and pushes his daughter into the photo, I’m a good sport, and put my arm around her, the mother takes the photo, and they thank me profusely, later during my phone conversation with SDC he informs me this is how people get married over here, now the whole thing makes sense.

Once inside while waiting for YD, and WW to go to the toilet, I run into the same Arges I preformed the Haka for last night, What are the odds? out of 58316, in attendance I run into the same guys as last night, I high five them, they tell me again how great I am, and show me the video footage of my Haka, after watching it sober(ish) I too am horrified by my perfomance, they still think it’s great, I wonder if they think that now after watching a real Haka live at the stadium. Probably the funniest thing was one of the guys had a shirt with the words to the Haka on it, and as I performed he nodded along with my version, like it was the same, fool. For those interested they will be posting my Haka on youtube, and sending me an advanced copy, which I will forward on to anyone who is keen to view my glory.

The game is an extremely close encounter 76-14. It is a shame the Italians decided to play their soccer team instead of their rugby team admittedly their footwork was pretty good, but their abilty to play rugby well was less spectacular.The mexican waves were pretty cool, and the Italians went nuts after the disallowed try, other than that I was pleased to get out of the sun at fulltime. After the game we make our way back to the hotel WW stops to buy a scarf off a shady Frenchie just as he gets his scarf the fuzz see him, and wisk him off to jail, as he is leaving the copper hands Trudy three scarfs, Yah free scarfs. After refuelling with beer we head to down to the beach, WW rolls his ankles, and cries about for ages, YD goes swimming with his wallet still in his pants, meanwhile I play catch with a little French boy, or is that hide the sausage I can’t remember? I teach him to place kick using sand, I also drop in a few handy tips about not bombing New Zealand peace ships. It is during this game I realize I may have missed my calling in life as either a preschool teacher, or a pedafile. It is remarkable how well I get on with children, yet not women, I put this down to the fact height wise ( and mentally too) I am on the same level as a six year old boy. We buy 20 more beers, and proceed to drink them, watch rugby, and play cards, during this mayhem YD produces his best pun of the weekend ( oh and there has been so many) he takes it up a level by using props with his puns, I proclaim “the tables have turned” YD replys “no I have turned the tables”, and picks up the table, and turns it 90 degrees, touche. Just now I asked to remind him how the pun went as I am drunk right now, and slight of memory, I said “you know the one with the prop” He replied ” I don’t even play rugby” the puns continue I refuse to talk to YD for the rest of the trip.

This morning I sleep in until 12, YD, WW, and Trudes, go on a bus tour of the city at 17 Euros a piece, I take a call from home, and then sit in for 4 games off rugby I just asked WW what he has done today as I haven’t done anything, he said, and I quote ” well we went around, and round in circles in bus” thanks WW your’re a dick!
Our beer tally stands at 124 Kronenbourgs, I think a fair effort. YD continues his uncanny knack with the puns, he’s well into double figures now. We drink a lot more there is quite a debate, you could say a master debate about which way is right, and which way is anti clockwise, we agree to disagree, soon after YD produces some verbal liquid gold, WW plays Linkin park, and Jay Z on his Ipod, and proclaims ” you know Jay Z has a hot girlfriend, Beyonce” YD replys ” I thought his girlfriend was mary” Me, and WW are puzzled, he continues ” ya know JC ( Jesus Christ) his girlfriend is mary! Touche YD, Touche.

We continue drinking for the rest of the night at one stage a ruck froms, and WW injures himself, goodtimes. we have photos.

The next morning we are up, and off to the airport, Marseille airport is like no other, it’s very backward they handwrite our tickets, and you put your own bags on the plane, friggin French. We all arrive home safely, except my laptop which gets crushed on the flight. Dam you France!!! Ah well bring on the scots.

Skip.