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I feel compelled to vent my anger after an unpleasant experience at Drury McDonald’s yesterday has brought me to believe that the human race has reached the pinnacle of stupidity.

I can’t help but lay some blame towards the North embankment at Mt Smart. While attending the Warriors game I decided that the crowd didn’t appear to be the quickest of cats. I consider myself a seasoned veteran at rugby union matches but this was my first league appearance. I’m sure these guys are good at what they do, but compared to the highly evolved skills of the mighty Waikato rugby team they appeared pale in comparison. Pick up the ball and hope you can smash through the opposition………if you do, something exciting might happen. Little more in my eyes. I’m also puzzled as to where the ref draws the line on the call of a head high tackle.

Anyway back to Drury……….Box and I entered McDonald’s for the 3rd time in 30 hours (we don’t make a habit of this I assure you) to find a young rugby league players have destroyed the place! I mean sure it’s likely to get a bit a bit messy towards the end of a shift but these little bastards had thrown shit everywhere, smashed sugar bowls and were continuing to smash their happymeal toys in the carpark with a stick. There must have been at least 20 of them, just causing havoc. Where were the parents? Having a session on the bus no doubt. And whats up with fastcrew dipshits?

So let me fill you in on a few of our weekend antics. Just the two of us headed up to Auckland. NK, SDC, Box, myself and associates attended the races at Ellerslie. Beverages flowed and there was betting to be done. No one had any luck worth noting although 1 or 2 trifectas were narrowly missed out on.

After the races we headed to Albany for the shield challenge (if you could call it that). North Harbour played fantastically and and dominated Waikato for most of the game, easily retaining the shield…………………….no……..wait………the opposite of that. I would have been embarrassed to be a Harbour supporter at the game. There didn’t actually seem to be many there come to think of it.

Victorious, we headed back to the boy’s then into town. Starting at “The Great Northern Steamship” with a few mojitos and shooters we were well in the mood. After midnight you can’t take your drink outside so as I neared the door, drink in hand, the bouncer stopped me and what I thought he said was “You can’t take your drink outside, you need to drink my pee”………………..”what does your pee taste like?” I asked him. He stared at me with a disgusted look on his face. Apparently he had said “You cant take your drink outside, put it over there please” Innocent mistake, I assure you.

Our lack of luck continued at the casino so we headed back to hq via Mc D’s picking up some BBq bacon cheeseburgers. I was just about to enjoy my first bite when Scarlet Avenger snatched the bacon out of mine and gobbled it up. He may as well have eaten my soul……. thanks to Box for then sharing his bacon before it was snatched.

Silver Sovereign out

I find it only appropriate to write a probing, in-depth review of my party last weekend.

Knowing my associates all too well, I organised for everyone to meet at my abode an hour before the bus was due to arrive. This proved wise as people were late and it gave the organised folks a chance to ingest a few beverages……… and did they ever.

Our friendly driver Chris showed up and we were on our way. With Candyman on directions it was a rather shaky start. Never the less, onwards to Pirongia.

Patrons at the bar seemed moody and displeased with our presence; despite the fact that we were all rather well behaved and low key………………………… oh how things would change. Pirongia was rather uneventful.

As night fell we headed to our next destination: the mighty Otafucks (Otorohanga). Our venue of choice was the Thirsty Weta, which was convenient because we were both thirsty, and wet……. as. We were recognised from our many antics of last years road trip, BTRT06. This is where things began to get messy. Some sensible citizens took this opportunity to get some food, Candyman took the opportunity to get me some shooters. Thanks.

We lingered for an hour or so then headed north towards the big smoke……. Kihikihi, town of the locust, or cicada, I forget, or don’t care.

After some crafty bus parking maneuvers we were at our next destination. Unsure of the name of the place, something to do with horses. Here our first vicim was claimed…. White Warriors girlfriend. I’m lead to believe that she went missing briefly and was then discovered in a carpark motionless, lying on her back with a large pile of vomit nearby. This was the first recorded barf, but by no means the last.

A few chaps enjoyed cigars while others mingled with locals and owned the pool table. Mores shooters were had, after an extremely long preparation. Managed to watch the Warriors suffer defeat then back on the road.

By this stage the bus is getting a bit of a mess. People are jumping and humping all over the show. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary. It is only a short drive to Te Awamutu yet it seems to take some time to get to the next pub, this may have something to do with navigation. Something we have become used to.

Redoubt was our next venue on the assault list. I would like to thank Rusty Ranger for the delicious sambuca shots, 1 is fine, 2 is just excessive. After the 2nd I move hastily to the men’s room where several helpings of brown sludge exited my stomach into the urinal. As I left the toilets I was greeted by Pink Box, during an embrace my newly fashioned goatee managed to sneak its way into his mouth……….”tastes like sambuca” he said………

Im starting to loose coherence, large blanks are becoming more frequent. Forgive me for missed details. I remember people outside on a picnic table, more local harassing and general intoxication. Everything seems to be in order.

Back on the bus and Ohaupowards. As I look around I notice that we have picked up 2 random girls; little notice is payed and the journey continues. Ohaupo is unfriendly and doesn’t want to play with us. The trip is nearing to an end and we return to the warm loving embrace of Hamilton. I have absolutely no idea who headed to town as I quickly became separated. Not before another large vomit courtesy of the friendly bartenders as Axces. As my stomach has been emptied several times, nutrition is needed. Only a drunk man considers Beefeaters nutrition. I am not able to eat tidily and most of my burger ends up on my hands. After convincing bouncers it’s not vomit, I am again able to enter bars.

I encounter EGS and CC. CC likes to yell and cuss at girls. We head to the casino where my money mysteriously goes missing. Thanks Will…….

CC and I head to subway where subway employees are told to “slap all that shit on there” soooooooooo many olives……

Another feed brings the evening to an end.

On a totally different note. What is up with our generation? I decided to take a trip down memory lane and buy a pack of candy cigarettes, you know the space man ones?

They have stopped putting the red dots on the end of them!!!!!!! Couldn’t fucken believe it.

Ok here are some quotes fresh off the building site this week:

Owner of house to Plasterer regarding colour of plaster: “What colour do you squirt?”

Conversation between mother and son at the house I was working at today: “How do I make a hotdog mum?”, “Just pull your buns apart and put a sausage in”…………………………..

Sovereign out

We left Seattle in a fashion that we have become used to……….. saying inappropriate things in the airport, SDC saying gun twice and weapon once.

It was pretty awesome flying over LA at night, its rather large you know…….

Had quite an uneventful evening as we planned to do the zoo thing the next day. Just went for a wander downtown and checked out a few of the sights and sounds.

The zoo was fantastic, a lot of walking though which lead to heavy sweating and chaffing of the croutchal region.

Somewhat disturbing that we spent half the time talking about what animals we would like to fight. We decided that some of the larger predators could be attempted if they had their nails clipped e.g. the Malayan Sun Bear.

The Duikea (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duiker) was the decided favorite to stomp, and most easy to win a fight against……..

At our brief stop at the Elephant enclosure, it unleashed a torrent of piss then took a big dump in it. A highlight (and proof they are the King of the Jungle).

Payed a friendly visit to San Diego Hooters a little later in the evening. Always great value.

We had booked a tour to Tijuana on Wednesday, buuuuuuuuuuut we should have checked our messages…………it got canceled and we didn’t know.

So after a great deal of loitering on street corners Box and myself jumped on train to the boarder. Not to many folks of our ethnicity on the train. …….When we got there we missed the bus to get over, so decided to walk over instead. Interesting experience.

Taxied to the main street in Tijuana where we were greeted by a swarm of eager Mexicans. Went to a bar and got some margaritas and salsa (not together) with a stray shrimp head thrown in for good measure. We also ordered a couple of burritos pretty sure mine was Pidgin and Box’s was Rat (And they fealt really good exiting the anus). During this meal we were assaulted by the dude with the tequila and the weasel (Whistle as we were told by the bar tender) and propositioned several times about the stripclub out the back, we headed down to the street for a browse.

Mexies are very persistent……. and everyone has a stripclub out the back!!!!!!!!!!!

So the legend of the Zonkey (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeedonk) is true, they are tied to carts on the street corners so you can have your photo taken with them. Even saw some dude walking with one down the street. Our highlight may well have been when we walked past one particular club where the bouncer tried to lure us with ‘$1 beers guys…………ok, $1 tequila shots……………..real girls…………..donkey show in 10 minutes’ !!!!!!!!!!

We were so there, ok we didn’t. But the stories are true.

In our brief visit to Mexico we were offered Cuban cigars, blades, Donkey porn, girls (’real ones’) , a haircut, a massage, Vicodin, Valium and open bars. Some of which we accepted……..

Good good times.

So after a short train trip up the coast (Buisness class I might add), here we are back in LA. Flying to Tahiti tomorrow so this will likely be our last USA blog. America will never be the same.

Notable quotes:

“Its ok if you call them retards, as long as you say it in a loving kind of way” SDC

“Need a taxi? ……………………How bout a massage?” Some Mexi

“You guys need some blades?” Some Mexi

“I just want to punch some animals” BOX

“3 comes after 4, no wait, other way round” SS

Friday vegas, boy are we feeling seedy. SDC and SS both attempted to vomit in the Mandalay Bay………just the class you would expect from us. SDC retired to the hotel for some quiet recovery time while BOX and SS enjoyed afew screwdrivers at the bar.We then went to the House of Blues for the concert to start. The set started with The Riverboat gamblers, rather entertaining I must say. Eagles of Death Metal then took the stage (minus Josh Homme which was a small disapointment) for a great show. Jesse Hughes was fantastic. Didn’t hang round for Joan Jett, even though she was the main act. Apparently lesbians a are big fans of hers, hooking up all over the show. Not so attractive when its obvious some of them could beat the shit out of all 3 of us.
A rather quiet end to the evening after the concert.

Saturday morning, we cruised over the Stratasphere and went up the tower. Pretty mean view from 107 stories up. We could see stuff getting blown up at the Air Force base, and great views of the strip.
Last chance for a gamble…………..both the other boys came out ontop, but as a continuing trend for myself I was once again owned by Vegas. Fucken good times though, Pink Box was lucky enough to pull a blackjack in his final hand in vegas.

Next up was a trip to Mclaren Airport in Vegas, the only airport I have ever seen with pokie machines, even in the bag collection, so it is possible to walk off a plane and be gambling in minutes. Sweet dr Chocolate and myself are still feeling seedy. The flight to San Fran was ok, cant say that the turbulence was happy on the sick stomach. San Fran is the gay capitol of the world you know, it didn’t take us long to figure this out as there are openly gay people walking down the street holding hands, some may call that a bit of a culture shock, as that is reasonably rare in places like Hamilton.

We all went down to the warf on a cable car in search of Hooters. Settled for some other joint which had fantastic Italian Seafood, then headed to an Irish bar on Union square just down from the hotel for a few night caps. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm waitress……..
Football game tomorrow which should be numerous hours of debauchery, stay tuned, the train to and from Oakland should be fun.
Sovereign out,

Quotes of possible intrest:

‘You can tell when a stripper has had children’ BOX ‘How so?’ SS ‘You can feel it in their tummies’ BOX

One would think that after our previous dumbass quotes in airports that this time we could keep certain comments to ourselves…….

‘What do you think happens to those bags on that conveyor belt when they don’t get picked up for ages? BOX “they blow up………………..’ SS genius, in an airport.

Thursday morning

So Friday night was pretty fucken awesome, Box and the Dr were wet with anticipation by the time we arrived at Staples Centre. Merchandise was purchased and we headed to the bar.

A few drinks were downed and we got chatting to some friendly young ladies, who happened to have excellent tickets. After alot of negotiation Box and the Dr purchased the girls tickets for a tidy sum. Sovereign stayed in the bar and continued to get fucked up. Lakers had a great win and everyone was happy (drunk as shit). Celebrities were sighted (Damon Waynes). Just after entering the stadium, SDC and Box met a friendly usher, enjoyed the championship banners and retired jerseys, at a later point in the game the friendly usher had a word to a camera man, and SDC ended up on the Jumbotron all alone in front of the entire stadium.
Ended up back at the hotel and nudity ensued.
Went to the Beverly centre the next day………soooooooooooooo many hot females. Little bit of mullet touching. Sovereign is officially obsessed with belt buckles.

Crazy black dude who was ‘collecting money for stem cell research’ offered Sovereign some chocolate he had been sucking on. Was hard to say no.

Caught the bus with crazy Mexicans out to Santa Monica, pretty sweet out there. Drunk margaritas on the pier then went to the coolest shop ever! Western spirit, all cowboy shit. Brilliant.

Went to this sweet sports bar called Barney’s Beanery (Have you been there) and drunk a few pitchers. Probably got the best compliment I have ever had ever had…….(see quotes)

Did the walk of fame thing today. pretty cool, lots of crazy folks. Some old lady nursing a soft toy.

Hired this limo and went on a cruise up to Beverly Hills, amazing. $35 million houses. saw Keanu Reeves chasing his cat!! Went past the playboy mansion, and rodeo drive, fucken money. Lamborghini’s everywhere. Went to Ozzy’s house, Tom Cruises house and Paris Hilton’s house!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice girl that Paris…..get off my koolade motherfuckers.

Saw John Lithgow walking down the street infront of us.

Gonna hit Hollywood town tonight, perhaps Jonny Depps Viper room.

Quote time:

‘Wheres your PSP?’ SS ‘In the microwave’ SDC (it was)

Took photos of hot mannequins ‘They look just like real girls’ SS

Chick in bar talking to SS ‘your wallet has a butterfly on it, thats a bit gay, do you know what gay means?’
Sovereign replies ‘oh I know what gay is’ (sounding too enthusiastic)
‘Our band is called Gugenhymen, you know, the flap of skin inside the vagina’ SS (2 finger motion included)

‘Fuck is that booger or jizz?’ SS

‘There would be a lot of force in a revenge hate fuck’ SDC

‘I’m gonna cut your dick off’ BOX ‘and then what?’ SS ‘eat it’ BOX

‘I’m gonna rock, paper, scissors you cunts, cause we are gonna slam on it’ SS

Walking down rodeo drive “My balls are saturated” SS

Hot chick in a bar to SS ‘You have a mullet, I wish I had the balls to grow one.’ SS ‘I appreciate that’ hot chick “I appreciate your balls”

‘Drinking for 3 days has left me with the motor skills of a down syndrome 6 year old’ SDC

Box ‘I want to have a shower now, otherwise there is no way I am going to get a boner and be able to wank’

Crazy guy at GAP while Box was purchasing goods ‘I have see you guys around’, SS ‘I don’t think that is likely, we are not from around here’ Crazy Guy ‘wearn’t you the guys walking down Sunset the other day’ SS ‘Oh, yeah that was us’ Crazy Guy (after purchase was completed) ‘You boys be careful now’. The back story to this is that after he said that we all remember the crazy look on the guy that walked past us two days earlier on Sunset.

Box ‘Not going to bother shaving, too drunk, might cut my arm off or something’

Box (after shower) ‘I had a wank (first in USA)’ SS ‘What happened?’ Box replies ‘I came out of my dick’