After reading the GG post on this event, I was inspired to write a blog based on what I recall from my experiences and what I was later informed of about my experiences during the event – I suffer from terrible short term memory loss in general but the problem is exacerbated when drinking….. A lot…….. So when I drink there are often 2 versions to any series of events that I am involved in. The first version is my recollection of the night which almost always consists of a relatively clear recollection of having a few drinks, a few laughs and an assumption that where my memories ends is when I went to bed…. The alternate version (also known as the actual sequence of events) is almost certainly 3-4 hours longer and includes many shameful acts that I have committed but have no recollection of.
So my recollection of the sequence of events starts the day before the Boat Trip – Friday afternoon and I am with a number of work mates celebrating somebody’s pre-stag do stag do (that’s the stag do the night before the real stag do). Now keeping in mind that I have a 3 hour drive the next day at 6.30am to be followed by an estimated 15hr drinking binge – I wisely decide to limit my intake on the Friday to a few quiet ones….. Unfortunately a number of factors put a sudden end to these good intentions and I go for gold. Before I know it I find myself in an advanced state of intoxication but at the same time have periodic moments of clarity where I remember about ensuring I don’t peak before the main event the following day…. These moments are very brief and fairly ineffective at halting my consumption. It is not until I see the stag being literally dragged out covered in vomit (including his glasses which at this point almost appear to be made of porridge) that I realize that this warm up has gone on long enough and that I should make like a rapist and get the fuck out of there fast!
So I make with the walking and soon have a flashback to earlier in the day where I remember reminding all those Beer Tuesday (BT) members that intend to get a lift with me in the Bedford (Van) to purchase all their alcohol that night… Pink Box (PB) had previously urged everyone to purchase their alcohol before Saturday (the day of the trip) to avoid having to make the painful stops which slow the journey and as such delays the drinking kick off for the drivers…. I figured that despite my drunken state, I should ensure that I purchase my alcohol to avoid being labeled a hypocrite…. So I stumble to the supermarket and head straight to the beer aisle. It takes me a while to process the options that I am confronted with but eventually I decide to go with two 15 packs of speights. As I arrive at the checkouts with sweat pouring off my face from having to carry these beers I seem to be oblivious to the fact that I only carried them 10 metres and that home was a good 25 min walk and that’s when I’m sober and empty handed… As I walk past the security guard he gives me a half smile which at the time I interpreted as him wanting to tongue my nuts which I was flattered by. Looking back it was probably more a case of his foresight as to the problems I would likely have with trying to carry 30 bottles (and snacks) whilst drunk…..
Anyways the journey home began and obviously it was a difficult one, within a minture of leaving the supermarket, my arms were sore to the point I had to put the beers down on a bin and rest – a process which I had to repeat at every waste-height bin, control box and midget I came across…. I then had to contend with the hoards of drunks spilling out of the numerous bars on Parnell road who all thought they were funny when they asked if the beers were for them…. yeah hilarious you retard….
This walk was excruciating to the point that I would liken it being raped by a Xmas tree….. As it turns out only 1 (cheers Neon) of my 4 passengers had heeded the warnings by myself and PB and pre purchased our alcohol so this epic accomplishment of getting my beers home was all in vein. There was however a silver lining, Sweet Doctor Chocolate (SDC) was home and very drunk – always entertaining!! Between us we deemed it logical to harass Neon Knight (NK) for our amusement so we entered his quarters and SDC climbed in to bed with him and put his arm around NK which provided a great photo opportunity. The two snuggled for a bit (in his defense NK was still very much asleep at this point) so I decided to discretely film this at which point SDC removed the only article of clothing he had on – boxer shorts – so he was completely naked lying in bed with NK…. Then he proceeded to try sticking his balls in one of NK’s orifices, I think it was his ear but could just as easily have been his mouth. NK, who awoke to the smell of SDC’s unclean nuts, armed himself with a pillow launched at SDC at which point a very homosexual but beautiful fight scene occurred….. No further details required I’m sure…
Next thing I know its 7am on Saturday and we are in the fully laden Bedford on our way to Ham town and I am having terrible flashbacks from the night before of SDC unwrapping a marshmallow Easter egg, rubbing his genitals on it and replacing it back in the bowl for an unsuspecting victim……. not a pleasant thought in any circumstance especially when nursing a mild hangover from the night before…. Purple Punga proceeded to scurry round the Bedford like a gerbil in my anus and got a first-hand lesson on both momentum and centrifugal force every time I braked or went round a corner, often ending up on his back unable to do anything about the predicament he was in other than thrashing his feet around in the air as if he was an up turned beetle – very amusing to rest of us. In his struggles he managed to knock his beer and an opened (but barely touched) Royal Crown Premium Draught Cola in to a cavity to the side of my (drivers) seat which acts as a step when the drivers door is open. He warned me to be careful when opening my door but later opted to retrieve his beer and (I assumed) the other bottle. When he emerges he loses his balance again and falls over, we still found this amusing so I braked intentionally and it happened again. Punga didn’t appear to enjoy this as much as I did and so punched my arm. I responded to this by again braking and received another punch for my efforts and this carried on for some time before I began responding with punches myself. Keep in mind that I was still driving and Punga was behind me so I was not in the best position to be going punch for punch with the previous national martial arts champ – but I did anyway… and lost 
When we finally arrived at Silver Sovereigns (SS) pad I opened my door and was greeted with a very loud bang and found myself covered in shards of glass. What the fuck just happened? I noticed the small remains of the previously mentioned Draught Cola bottle and quickly realized my previous assumption was incorrect and the journey had served to shake the cola up furiously turning it into a small explosive when it dropped a foot on to the driveway – the shrapnel went up to about 5 metres away (no exaggeration)….. Cheers Punga! Haha
After a quick reunion we were back on the road on our way to Taupo. The 3 car convoy played leap frog a bit which lead to a group decision in the Bedford that Punga should get his junk out and squash it up against the window for the next pass by the fellow BT vehicles. This was harder than first anticipated but eventually Punga managed to get his pants town and proceeded to squash his bits up against the window as several cars with families in them drive past but no BT members…. whoops….. Then it happened. With his pants still down Punga lost his balance, again, and falls backwards on to Cream Crusader (CC) who squirmed about trying to avoid being engulfed by the very experienced and as such gaping anus of Punga. CC emerges shaken and covered in Punga Poo but relatively unscaved…. The smell of poo wafted to the font of the van and NK, who was sitting beside me in the passenger’s seat, obtained a semi…. This made me somewhat uncomfortable so I wound down my window to diffuse the smell and alleviate the frenzy that I could see building up in his eyes…….
Nothing else happened on the journey or the boat that I feel comfortable sharing with you and/or that GG has not already mentioned so I will jump to the evening where some how we ended up in town at the shed – I have no recollection of how we got there or arriving at the bar but do remember brief moments throughout the night such as two BT members hitting on potentially prepubescent and flat chested girls, chatting to a Canadian couple about something, being refused drinks by the barman and revealing secrets that should have stayed secrets……… for me this is where the night ended. Presumably I made it back to the camping ground and went to bed.
However………I awoke to White Warrior beating on the window of the van to wake me up. When I opened the door he queried why my mouth was covered in blood…. I checked my bed to see if there was a satisfied looking female lying there who was on the rag… There wasn’t…… I then assumed my chapped lips had worsened overnight and proceeded to remove the coagulated blood from around my mouth as I staggered towards the rest of the BT members. I soon realized there was nothing wrong with my lips and that they were not the source of the blood. I tried to remember what had happened the night before but it was to no avail. Even as I pulled small, hard white chunks from my tongue (which itself felt as if I had burnt it) I had no idea what had happened.
By now I had joined the other BT members who started filling in the gaps….. It would seem that the taxi ride back to the camping ground which I couldn’t remember was with a couple of naked BT members – thankfully I have absolutely no recollection of this. Furthermore when we got back to the camping ground instead of heading straight to bed (which I assumed I had done) I instead went head to head with stark naked Silver Sovereign in an epic battle of drunken debortuary where we wrestled all over the entire camp site. By the sounds of it, we put the wrestling scene in the Borat movie to shame. At some point I ended up standing on top of Bandit, sovereign’s vehicle, where I proceeded to dance up a storm. What happened next is some what blurred in the memories of those who were present but at some point Sovereign drove Bandit forward whilst I was on the roof and perhaps as a result or most likely later on for absolutely no reason at all I ungracefully fell off the roof and smacked my mouth on the way down leaving a decent dent in the panel work. I am told that when I arose from the fall my mouth was overflowing with blood and complaining that I had bitten my tongue in half…. This explains a few things such as why my bottom teeth ached, why my tongue felt like it had been burnt on an element and why I was spitting out little hard white chunks – my teeth apparently. On closer inspection it would seem that while I had not bitten my tongue in half as I had claimed, I had managed to severely damage the tip. It is now a week later and my bottom teeth still ache, I can feel all the chips in my teeth, the teeth on the left side of my mouth don’t touch when I clench my teeth and last night I discovered that I have a decent crack in one of my front teeth….. Awesome….
That’s all there is of interest that I know of….. Hopefully I will add the video of NK and SDC in bed together later on…..
Word……
The Scarlet Avenger
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